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  • it aches me, and you never sense it.

     

    swallow your tears, Anna. said Alex in the bad blood.

    say it, amour. no. say je taime 

    we believe in faith, we believe in enigma.

    she've got the smile of the speed now.

     

    you could never play juliet. she paid her life for the role, and you just couldn't play in with your innocence.

    you love the love that ruin everything. nina.

     

    why shouldn't we walk like the first night in paris?

    tea or chocolate?

     

     

    tereza, run, run fast. he comes over to take your advantage. he is the third one. think carefully.

    thomas, love my hat. that's from my grand grand father. love the signfier. we tear ourself. until we both take off our mask.

     

    how sunlight work in prague. tanks of people, shouting and flirting.

     

    i order you to shoot the cactus.

    no. i cant do it. this is ridigious. i need another man. i need to breathe. i don't want to rely on you for everything in swissland. do you understand? do you understand?

     

     

     

     

     

    why? you take the cruxification. he was talking a joke, right before he left his breed.

    she is a... i thought you know about it.

    she is pregnant. she...

     why he can play that music.

     

    who wanna have my body, take over my blue.

     

     

    hey juliet, no no. don't jump. fainted.

    she's dead.

    she's

     

     

    for juliette binoche

  • 等他的斷續

    我們老早在他家樓下等他。

     

    我以最持平的心情,迎接他的出現。那個以為自己已經忘記,或和我已沒有關係的男子。

    手上的煙,在陪伴我等他的你面前,化開。記起我們吃過的數支煙

     

    見幫傭放狗,一隻碩大無比,是古代的狗腿都長一米長。另一竟是不適合在香港生存的雪橇,毛茸茸,殺了他都可以做皮草吧。零下幾度,白色的雪好冷好冷。我想起他曾窩在你的懷,也說好冷好冷。而他卻對我說沒有見過雪。好老土的大話。好老土的愛。好......

     

    我恨你,而你明明... 有和他到那裡去。看香港沒有的雪

     

    誰也不會殺那樣一隻狗。

     

    我惱自己把他的出現看成我和他的關係。而他,後兩支腳都動不了,走時,用一種悲傷的眼神看我們。

     

    我後悔死盯著他。

     

     

    我的眼神令他走避,拐到那轉角。

    然後,他三步嗅一嗅,維持了狗的習性,卻失去了我強加他身上的尊嚴。尊嚴?他們有嗎?

    死盯他因為他不走路時可愛,因為他是雪橇需要有氣度,誰的自私傷害了他吧。他一拐一拐的走,如何追那古代狗的步伐?我只有和友伴說那古代狗的種種,只有如斯才能把話語的指向轉移。

     

    未見過那麼像你的狗。雖然,從前愛以人與寵物來稱呼我和他那種近乎沒有愛的無奈關係

    騙自己的關係

     

    可我,心中一直想的是他。他那過於天真過於不自知,我念他的好。以致我總傷害自己去接受發臭和變質。像那狗。

     

     

     

     

     

     

    見到他,第一句話,那男子問我「有沒有煙?」

    此時,春天來了。看對街的紅花,竟就成為我們逃避眼神接觸的方法。我想:還好那花不美。

     

    陽光卻剌眼。

    我念那狗的好,忘掉殘廢了的愛情,總要有人收拾。

     

     

    你最後也沒有讓我上你準備離開的家。只告訴我,帶了三本書,而我想,我的名字不.可.能出現在內。

     

    你說,我不過是你的第四本。若女子以次序排名的話

    四,什麼也不是。不過,一直如此...

    我就一直和他在等他。等有那一天關係,可以如春天,可以重來,可以和他好好牽一次手,可以忘掉我一直在等那個他的斷續

     

     

    我卻寧願沒有臉的糾纏。我卻寧願沒有臉的糾纏。

     

  • 默默 默默的

     

    世界的傷痛,亦不若自身,即那曝露在永恆日光下,衰老的皮膚,呼出的廢氣,種種叫人無法逃避的哀
    我被蟲子吸血
    我被風吹破皮膚
    又 那高跟鞋內的水泡
    與你何干

    此等細微到沈溺的肉體傷口,永遠是私人,界線早早把它們劃分為與世界傷痕不同。
    然而,我依然,不能忘懷。那痛。叮了一下,又一下。為什麼它需要和其他事情相比呢?

    我找不到更強烈的生存感,那些近乎自虐的找狂。把不是我軌道的物,騙到我編的網,用一連串自大的藉口,把傷亡擴大。它的存在,以傷痛充實。



    被吸走了小量的血,憑那來的力量去要生要死
    別人把生命也拼了,只有幾行小小的文字去訴說自己的偉大......


    我只好
    撿起那風潮內的石

    向你狠狠投下





    傷害你
    令你更痛



    而那蟲自此寄居你肉身

  • 在此城,我如何排遣寂寞

    那你似乎不為意,不在意,狹小,微不足道

    我卻任由它把我吞食,恍惚間,長成了一個影子。它卻竟然有一種熱度,透過眼淚來散溫。

    於是,哭訴

     

     

    在遠處拍照的你,走上迴旋梯上。不時問﹕還好嗎?你討厭的跟隨者

    曾經以為最親近的人,完全失去了連繫。以為對你不好的人,卻找你。叫人怎麼相信該死的直覺?

    叫我可以相信什麼

     

    你為什麼騙我

    打開卡夫卡的情信,就在巴士上流起過份濫情的淚

    不止常錯覺他和我有一樣的感受,還知道寫信時他不過剩兩年命

    他慢慢寫慢慢諗信的時候,卻不清楚自己的命運。

     

     

     

    一直以為是隱隱的私人話

    有誰的留言

    公開了

     

     

    為什麼要讓我看信,難道怕傷我不夠深

    非要見骨見血

    才了你的心願?

     

     

    我不要

     

     

     

  • 像一個儀式,從前我都把看過的電影都記下來。2005年是118套,都在電影院看,那年後我就不太看電影。覺得很累,我又不是電影工作者,亦不打算參與電影的任何工作。

     

    之後兩年,看的什麼,因戲票轉了會退色的墨/方法印刷,我像失了慾不能去把十年後都沒有字的票收好,更不用說都因為讀個什麼書沒好好寫。

    然而,當用一千多元買了音樂會的票子後,我又忽然覺得不知及不及一個電影節,一次過看30套電影的震撼........ 若只用票價計算

     

    一天走5場實在是很好的經驗,比不上看三天三夜那些美國放映會,至少讓我累的腳也抽搐了,那是Claire Denise的心之潛蝕。想離開,又離不開,見到朋友(也不過十場才遇一兩個),問:你也在看啊?

    既是相知亦是相遇,特別是那些牛鬼蛇神都怕的又悶又長又沒內容,只有形式,自我,哲理的前衛實驗電影。約xanga的朋友去看電影,也不失為一件一年一度比聖誕重要的儀式。

     

    也有些,像見到很多次我知道他的名字但沒network的人,如別人的電影教授、電影工作者。見得最多的還不是黃耀明,彷彿大家口味相若

     

     

    可惜,現在找不到令人排的密密麻麻的衝動了。劇情片要不是喜歡的導演基本上提不起任何興趣,一直只在大師級之中徘徊,全選還不過十多套。Avant-garde呢,很多都看過了,上年的Maya Deren亦是。有點失望。紀錄片有興趣,但拍得好尊重主題又好看的,不多。很多比無線的好不了多少。

    中國電影?要不像藝術品一樣賣弄符號,要不就是太過DV,聲和畫也不夠水準。當然,在一個認識中國當代「新導演」的角度看,未嘗不可。

    每次選大路的,也覺得早晚會在香港90幾個「電影節」再上,要不然就有安樂兩隻字。

     

     

     

    但,電影還是帶給我什麼。不知2009年的電影節如何:沒有你,沒有洞。

    讀那麼多電影和書,還不是...

     

    此外,也希望在電影節工作的朋友,工作愉快,你的確能改變很多人。

    另外朋友的行程還是早早讓我知道,起碼知道要碰上,還是不

    我怕看見別人迴避我

     

     

    2008/3/20 2030 朗豪坊    《一一》 楊德昌

    2008/3/21 1500 科學館   "Alexandra" Alexander Sokurov

    2008/3/21 1500 科學館    "Elegy of Life" Alexander Sokurov

    2008/3/22 1230 文化中心《幫幫我愛神》 李康生

    2008/3/23 2015 科學館《赤軍殘酷內鬥暗黑史》 若松孝二 (Missed)

    2008/3/24 1800 文化中心 "the band's visit" Eran Kolirin 

    2008/3/24 2100 大會堂 "You, the Living" Roy Anderson

    2008/3/25 2130 大會堂 "Christopher Columbus, the Enigma" Manoel de Oliveira

    2008/3/28 1915 文化中心 《日式牛仔一品鍋》 三池祟史

    2008/4/2 2115 文化中心 "The Man from London" Bela Tarr

    2008/4/5 1245 文化中心 "Mala Noche" Gus Van Sant

    2008/4/6 1030 文化中心 "Gerry" Gus Van Sant

    2008/4/6 1245 文化中心 "Shine a light" Martin Scorsese

    2008/4/6 1515 文化中心 "Paranoid Park" Gus Van Sant

     

    *** *** ***

    這應該是我能力範圍內,寫得最清楚的文章了吧。

     

  • this is a post to good-bye my facebook.

    i hope i can cut all those unrelated links between me and some other hi-bye friends.

    i suddenly missing xanga a lot, for it representing my youth. my flaming youth.

    i lost any of them anyhow.

     

    i feel like walking alone all the time. people getting away from me. everything's virtual.

    my sense of reality coming from this wearing keyboard, i type to forget my sadness. but it never works, or makes me feel a second of relief.

     

    hows everything? how are you?

     

    any readers here? who is reading me now? me is reading me?  me is calling myself zena.

     

     

    freaking lonely

    and thanks for your letters, to the one not having this xanga.

    freaking lonely and cold tonight.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    and i feel hard to explain to the rest of the world

     

  • amano1
     
    life is always full of surprises. to clarify i am not unhappy i might hv to announce some of the lovely thing after my month in the new journey.

    due to some "lousy" reason, i m always awakened during past weeks. not because of my changing life style (i delay my whole cycle 2 hours everyday since i started my new job), i m not sure if there is pressure but the fact is i hv lost 5 lbs. that's incredible, coz this is my lightest weight so far in the past 10 years.


    think of it, u sweating under bring sunlight almost everyday. could not sleep due to serious sickness, and no more breadfast or even dinner. 5lbs seems reasonable, but out of my expectation.

    and suddently you've got a chance to austrila, tho only stay for one fucking day (29 hours to be precise). and my book shelf due to that lousy reason is totally being "ruminated" by my mum. my "cultural study series" lost their privileged position, everything's losing their order (not to tell even inverted). the inner shelf finally hving their sun bath again, most of them are novels.

    then my lovely coetzee's "slow man" , which bought 2 years ago finally have a chance to come out. with his "youth" too. i decided to bring this book with me.

    so far it is still ok. if i temporarily forget the interview after the trip.

    *** *** ***



    today i had an interview with my beloved illustrator Yoshitaka Amano san, yes i recommended him to my editor coz i really like his sketch and the very dark mood.


    he is inborn a character designer and artist, shy and living in his own little world even he is so famous around the globe. father of otaku, in his secret room.

    i m so addicted to his vampire hunter D drawings and all of his pencil sketches. really have some sentiments like gustav klimt.


    the most lovely thing must be, his hand sketch of vampire hunter D in my notebook. such a intimate and direct touch of his heart. thanks Amano-san.
     
     
     

  •  

    總以為自己是沒有記憶的
    至少 我不是選擇性的失去 我真的忘記

    昨天 在公司用了一整天的時間都想不起這blog的地址 而我很想很想在昨天寫一些什麼什麼
    無謂 沒有功能 瑣碎 沒人看 沒結構 有自己出現的文字
    當寫作變成工作
    用文字我不見得比數字來工作好 也不比用體力工作強

    文字就是文字 我比我的話語有 修飾
    你如何看我的文字都想不起我真人的笑聲和天真和不世故和白痴 而那才是和人碰面時的11
    不是A不是B那是Z 都不太大分別

    說回記憶 我寫下 是因為我知我快記不起要對抗的心
    如果我只說好的東西 我為什麼要寫
    我又不是 ...
    或我又不是...
    卻不知道


    我為何忘記 自己的
    這個無謂的自己又可以維持一些什麼的東西
    就說的東一句西一句 都不知為了什麼


    寫沒用的文字 寫有用的文字 都寫
    寫你 甚至寫愛情
    愛你 卻不是最大的原因要寫 要寫是因為要告訴你我愛你你卻以為我愛上別人而且永遠以為我寫密碼。不對。我。快...真的... 都快不行了。
    那 記憶 是不是愛是不是死亡是不是是不是是不是 我末盡力 你才一走了之

    如今天的公公婆婆在七月十四說 我想要安樂死 不過我們快樂
    那種簡單是81歲的 是68歲的 不是20歲說的過一天得一天
    死 不過是說記憶
    身邊沒個人 就寂寞點 要不就是我先死 你記我 你記好也記我墮落的壞


    尤其是 我愛你 我卻仍然想忘掉一些不好的事 或記不起你的好 或
    我連我的地址有一天也說不出來 我 不知道 我是否在乎你的肯定
    但我知道你可能也為我作了很多的詩 或做了很多的錄像... 或把我的書都買了

    支持我 不知我還可否以文字反抗
    若我迷失了 信服了 告訴我我不是失憶
    即使是我選擇的

  • The Melancholy Face

    The beauty of her innocent - none of her grim.
    Of a child, greedy to learn the world
    Whose tenderness soften the blood of calm.

    Remember those faces! they
    climb up the highest mountain top and enjoy the touch by the sun.
    Fighter of their own life, kissing the skin of the bare-bones.
    I have seen her existence and thus sang.


    How a feminity dance in the skies?
    She cries.
    The chin is being pushed by the weight of the mist, wavers
    between - her and choices.


    Celebration of the melancholy, art related subject that it is.
    The haunted city was the creator of this emptiness.
    Voilence yet infamed.








    Insprited by Charles Baudelaire

    *** *** ***

    This is a poem from my mind after today's staring at a femlae body. This is an extraordinary homosexual experience - you see yourself. The touches were warm.

    I hope you like my words. For those young and dripping hearts, this is how I go throught the darkness and survive. No matter how weak our link is, there is still moment we might catch up with each other in an unexpected moment.

  •  

    how much i love you to make you love me.

    how much talent i should have to make myself feel better?
    how...
    i wish i know more about everything. but there ain't subject called "everything".
    thus i better live, without much expectation.



    there is always distance.
    no matter how. no matter how.


    see your photos. her words.

    what is typical, what is art?
    there is no love.



    i always find it is difficult.
    you feel hard time in your life.


    this might be the last time i feel pressure from my work.
    what am i doing here?


    i fuck up.

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